I’m something of a master gift-giver, if I do say so myself. Must’ve gotten complacent on the throne for my buddy Tatum’s birthday, though. Sure, the console I got him’s been out for a while now, but it’s the newest one they’re making and he kills for that video game crap. I thought it was a baller get, but what does Tish do? She takes him to the Swap Clinic, full package, all expense trip, the works. The clowns didn’t even bother waiting for the party to end before jetting off, the nerve!

So weeks later, Tatum calls me up, right, and invites me over to his place. It was the first time seeing the body he had picked out, and boy howdy. I mean, I caught the braids and big eyes and button nose skimming through the gigabytes worth of selfies on his socials, but I thought the body he got was in the area of adorable, girl next door type, but what greeted me at the door was a living, breathing GODDESS. He must’ve known on some level, too, wearing nothing but bright-red lingerie he was barely squeezing into. Anyone else and it would’ve been a suggestive gesture, but he said he was just trying on some clothes he and Tish picked out to go with his new curves. Tatum’s the type of guy who’d HONESTLY be shocked if I told him he was giving out mixed messages, so I’m inclined to think he was telling the truth.

One thing’s for certain, as much as it hurts: I’ve never seen the guy so happy. Usually, even on his best days, he’s always so… detached. Don’t get me wrong I couldn’t ask for a better friend, but he never seemed fully in the moment, yet there he was, grinning ear-to-ear, practically vibrating as he went off about how awesome the past couple of weeks had been (there were a few mentions of playing on the system I got him, so at least he appreciated it.) Come to think of it, I only assumed Tatum was going for a temporary swap, but that doesn’t feel like the case anymore, and if it was, I think I’d miss this new, vibrant, more complete version of my friend who’s sexy to boot, even if we “just met.”

But enough of that heavy thinking; I was good just sitting on that couch behind them as they gushed about their game character matching their current fit. Not to mention getting a front-row seat watching the way their butt jiggles when they do a little happy dance with every kill…. Hmm, feel like I should be giving Tish the title of “Best Gift-giver” next time I see her.